


Sans is a horrid little shit (The Papyrus Calls)

by Excel_Lynt



Series: Multiverse Sans Ukagaka Ghost [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: But that's another story, Flowey is too, MVSans, Multiverse Sans - Freeform, Papyrus Phone Calls, Phone Call, Pre-Undertale, Sans is a horrid little shit, Ukagaka Ghost, Underfell Sans, ghost - Freeform, ukagaka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-11 22:25:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15325728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Excel_Lynt/pseuds/Excel_Lynt
Summary: You boot up your computer and summon that Sans ghost thing to your desktop. He appears startled and flinches when he sees you, but immediately regains his mask-like grin. His greeting is interrupted by an ill-timed phone call.Transcript/re-enactment of the first Papyrus phone call event from the Multiverse Sans Ukagaka ghost, classic Sans flavor. Actual dialogue will vary.More information athttps://excellynt.tumblr.com/





	1. The First Call

**Author's Note:**

> This story uses the Undertale workskin to display the character's speaking fonts, though it may not work in some browsers. 
> 
> Dialogue in lowercase is Sans speaking, all caps is Papyrus, and parenthesis are narration.

* hey USER, howzit going today?

* (Ring, ring...)

* !!

* sorry pal, one sec...

* (Sans picks up the phone.)

* (He holds it at arm’s length.)

* (You're curious, but try not to eavesdrop, until Sans beckons you with a shit-eating grin.) 

 

* (He taps the phone.)

* (Speakerphone activates. It’s _loud._ )

_(Music:[Nyeh Heh Heh!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpQsMFkzQNg))_

\--AND YET AGAIN YOU WERE NOT THERE AT YOUR STATION, BROTHER!

* well didja see updog there at least?

UPDOG?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANS.

* i mean updog. i left it at my station.

SANS WHAT IS UPDOG?

...

!!!

* (Sans is cackling madly.)

SAAAAAAAAAANS!

DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU ARE ALSO NOT FUNNY.

* aww. but guess what bro. i got a new job!

OH WOWIE!! REALLY??? BROTHER, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. 

* aw gee, paps..

* yeah.. it's pretty much my dream career. my equivalent of the royal guard.

_(Music:[Bonetrousle)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqzBv3FYpr0)_

OH MY GOD!! REALLY?!? I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO TAKE INITIATIVE LIKE THAT. THOUGH, IT IS ONLY LOGICAL THAT THE BROTHER OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS WOULD ACHIEVE HIS LIFELONG DREAM.

_(Sans has fallen asleep.)_

AFTER ALL, ONE CANNOT BASK IN MY BRILLIANT EXCELLENCE WITHOUT ONE DAY ALSO RADIATING MY GREATNESS AND ENTHUSIASM TO FOLLOW YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS!!!

NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!

_(Sans startles awake.)_

* heh, guess you're right, pap.

* it's uh, a computer desk job. real classy.

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'VE MOVED ON FROM DOING LITERALLY NOTHING ALL THE TIME.

* uh-huh. it's great, paps. my boss USER is really sweet but still really cool.

* not as cool as you though, bro.

BUT OF COURSE, SANS.

* yeah, it's a top-tier desk job. ya could even say it's a _desk top_ career.

WAIT. WHAT ARE YOUR NEW JOB DUTIES, BROTHER?

* well, for the most part i just sit here on USER's computer desk.

...

* occasionally i might take out the trash or write up reports, but for the most part i just stand around and look cute so USER's entertained.

I CERTAINLY RELATE TO THE FIRST AND LATTER DUTIES!!

_(Music: silence)_

* cuz after all, i always dreamt of getting paid for my special ability of

**_doing literally nothing._ **

_(Music:[Dogsong](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4wptBuM6zs))_

...

* ain't it great, paps?

SAAAAAAAAAAANS!!!

OH!! MY!! GOD!!! SANS NO!!

* sans yes.

BEING A PAPERWEIGHT IS **NOT** A VALID FORM OF EMPLOYMENT!!!

* not with that attitude.

YOUR PET ROCK IS MORE SUITED TO THAT CAREER FIELD!! AND YOU DON'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF THAT!

OH. MY. GOD. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. HOW COULD YOU JAPE THE GREAT PAPYRUS?!??

* with a _phony_ job description, apparently.

DON'T YOU START WITH THE PUNS NOW!!!

* been punning the whole time,

DON'T YOU DARE.

ya just didn't have proper con _text_.

BROTHER, YOU ARE THE WORST!!

* sorry bro. i know it might take you a _file_ to get over it.

OH MY GOD SANS, DO YOU EVER STOP???

* not while i'm _on the clock._

REALLY SANS?? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING RIGHT NOW?

* honestly can't decide if i'm workin' hard or hardly workin'.

OHMYGOD??

YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!!!

* (Click.)

_(Music: silence)_

* welp. that sure was somethin'.

[End of part 1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Fanart from a friend! snas, y u gotta be like dis?  
> <http://fullbottles.tumblr.com/>
> 
> —————————————————————————
> 
> Bonus:  
> (Music: [The Choice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0wifumw9SE))
> 
> * (The next time he speaks, he presents you with some choices.  
> * so what'd you think of that little performance, huh?  
> > Teasing him about the Royal Guard was kinda mean.  
> > Who was that?  
> > Haha! only crosswords could make him crosser.  
> > So, is Papyrus single?
> 
> (A/N edit: If anyone comments a response option of the "Bonus" above I'll post the dialogue associated with that choice for chapter 2. Democratic vote if more than one option is chosen by the time I put it up.) 
> 
> —————————————————————————
> 
> This is part 1 of a 5-piece cutscene-like segments in the progression of the Multiverse Sans Ghost. 
> 
> Can be downloaded here  
> <https://excellynt.tumblr.com/download>


	2. The Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Followup with Sans about the phone call, you are presented with a choice. 
> 
> Wow, I forgot how short this chapter is. Oh well. I'm glad commenters decided The Choice for me! I seriously appreciate the input and feedback, thank you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * so what'd you think of that little performance, huh?   
>  > Teasing him about the Royal Guard was kinda mean.   
>  > Who was that?   
>  > Haha! only crosswords could make him crosser.   
>  > So, is Papyrus single?

_(Music:[The Choice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0wifumw9SE))_

* (That was some high-class trolling. You try to provoke an encore, maybe you can fit some pasta puns in next.)

* (You compliment his performance and joke that only crosswords could make Papyrus crosser.)

 

* heh, i know right? glad you appreciate my humor, pal. paps is great to rile up....

* but by that look on your face...

_(Music: Silence. Blackout sockets.)_

** y o u a l r e a d y k n e w  
t h a t d i d n't y o u ...?  **

_(Music:[The Choice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0wifumw9SE) resumes.)_

* yep. you've met us before somehow. perhaps in another timeline..?

* ha, bingo. ya know exactly what the hell i'm talking about. it's written all over your face. not the first time i've seen it there either.

* ... not like it matters, anyway..

_(He looks... tired.)_  

* all right look. i don't really care what you've done or what you're gonna do to me.

* just leave papyrus out of this, capiche?

* ... thanks, USER.

 

[End of Part 2] 

* * *

**Bonus** :  
In this format there are no prior context clues for each option so they may not make as much sense. I wrote additional flavor texts for each choice shortly after I posted Chapter 1, not really expecting comments so I'd just go with the new flavor text I liked best. Figured I'd share since it's new. ~~I might add it to the ghost though actually~~.

 **> Teasing about the Royal Guard was kinda mean.**  
* (The Royal Guard is Pap's lifelong dream. Stringing along his passion and adoration for Sans just to get a reaction like that, was kinda in poor taste. You protect that cinnabunny.)

 **> Who was that?**  
* (You're pretty sure Sans doesn't trust you, despite his smiling charade. Better get "introduced" before you accidentally let slip you know them.)

 **>  Haha! Only crosswords could make him crosser.**  
* (That was some high-class trolling. You try to provoke an encore, maybe you can fit some pasta puns in next.)

 **>  So is Papyrus single?**  
* (You always had a soft spot for the lankier skeleton, especially after that "date" you had in the game. Plus, Sans' reaction should be priceless.)

 **Bonus bonus:**  
> Those of you who are MVSans users, but came here to find out about a choice you didn't pick.  
* ... that look on your face. that's the face of someone who's heard this conversation before, but went back to see if they could change the outcome.  
* not gonna happen. tough luck kiddo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that whole "performance" was just to get you emotive so he could read your face to confirm suspicions and gauge how much you know about them. [The Choice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0wifumw9SE)? That's **judgement music.** He thoroughly japed both you and The Great Papyrus. What a horrid little shit, huh? 
> 
> Some of the responses have more unique dialogue later. This chapter's just really short since it wasn't written for this format. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> BUT HEY, MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AT THE FANART IN CHAPTER 1's END OF CHAPTER NOTES!! It's pretty fantastic. :3 
> 
> next chapter:  
> hope you're ready for someone to get dunked on.  
> take a guess who.


	3. karma's a bitch ain't it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone gets dunked on 
> 
> and it ain't USER

* (Ring, ring...)

* huh.. he's calling back already?

* (Sans picks up the phone.)

_(Music:[Nyeh Heh Heh!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpQsMFkzQNg))_

HELLO THIS IS PAPYRUS.

* sup bro?

SANS I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.

* what?

YOUR BOSS USER, SANS! HAND OVER THE PHONE. I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOUR EMPLOYER.

* the hell?

... WHOM YOU DID NOT INTRODUCE ME TO DESPITE MENTIONING, BY THE WAY.

* um... okay?

* (Sans extends the phone to you.)

 

I WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER A FORMAL COMPLAINT AGAINST YOUR EMPLOYEE SANS THE SKELETON. 

(Sans is snickering.) 

HE WAS VERY RUDE AND I THINK YOU SHOULD FIRE HIM. 

* ..?

_(Music:[Bonetrousle)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqzBv3FYpr0)_

... AND HIRE ME INSTEAD!!!

* wait, what? the hell? no way.

  YOUR JOB DUTIES INCLUDE TRASH REMOVAL AND, QUOTE, 'STAND AROUND AND LOOK CUTE.'

* paps no.

MY HYGIENE IS IMMACULATE AND NOT ONLY AM I A MASTER OF CUTE, I'VE TRAINED TO BE TALL AND HANDSOME ALL THE TIME!!!

* (Sans facepalms.)

* pap...

CLEARLY, I HAVE A SUPERIOR REPORTOIRE OF SKILLS TO PERFORM THESE DUTIES, SO YOU SHOULD RETURN TO YOUR STATION AND HAVE THEM HIRE ME INSTEAD!!

* (Sans sighs exasperatedly.)

_(Music:[Dating Tense!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce5g7j32pVE))_

HMM..? WHAT'S THE MATTER BROTHER?

NORMALLY YOU'D JUMP FOR THE CHANCE TO SLACK OFF!

* ...

SANS.. THIS IS ALL VERY PECULIAR.

LATELY YOU'RE SNEAKING OFF MORE THAN USUAL, YET WON'T TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY FOR A BREAK..

(Sans is sweating bullets.) 

SO TELL ME, BROTHER.

IS USER REALLY YOUR EMPLOYER..?

_(Music:[Dating Fight!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMjgHPOJ1ys))_

.. OR YOUR SECRET DATEMATE??

* no!! god, paps.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SANS? ARE YOU AFRAID MY ALLURING CHARM WOULD BE TOO MUCH FOR THEM, AND THEY WOULD FALL FOR ME INSTEAD? IT IS A VALID CONCERN!!

* th-that's not the issue!

...OR PERHAPS USER IS YOUR EMPLOYER AFTER ALL. WHICH MAKES YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

A FORBIDDEN LOVE!!!

* no..

NYEH HEH HEH! SO SCANDALOUS!!

A DARK PRISON OF PASSION, WITH NO ESCAPE!! JUST LIKE ON METTATON'S SHOW!!!

* prison's the only accurate thing you've said all day.

DO NOT FEAR, BROTHER!!

MY NONEXISTENT LIPS ARE SEALED ABOUT YOUR LITTLE TRYST HERE!!! NYEH HEH HEH!!

* that's not...

THEN WHAT IS IT, SANS??

 

WELL??

* (Sans is silent.)

 

[End of part 3]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  My friend's reaction as the USER haha  
> <http://fullbottles.tumblr.com/>
> 
> —————————————————————————
> 
> Sans really gets his comeuppance, huh? This conversation being easily accessible is why I wanted to have the calls available in the first place. I will say though, even with the music accompaniment, reading doesn't do justice to how increasingly mortified Sans looks throughout the whole exchange. 
> 
> ya dug your own grave, bone boy. now you gotta sit in it.
> 
> —————————————————————————
> 
> A/N: I'm trying to decide whether or not to try and post the next section or not. I'm thinking I won't, because it's so heavily user-dependent... The actions the user takes affect up to about 40% of the dialogue and thus the personal poignancy of the story is kinda lost in translation. 
> 
> I'm thinking I may need to leave it here for people to experience the rest in the ghost for themselves. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> But the Undyne phone calls will make an appearance in this "Series" on here, along with the sidefic I'm thinking about writing... The whole story starting with meeting him, but from Sans' perspective. What he's really thinking when he calls you _pal._ heh.

**Author's Note:**

> These are parts 1-3 of a 5-piece cutscene-like segments in the progression of the Multiverse Sans Ghost. 
> 
> Can be downloaded here  
> <https://excellynt.tumblr.com/download>


End file.
